Kurt was an appearance-slacker who didn’t care simple logic tells us that any kid “inspired” by Kurt was an appearance slacker who did care. The kids were picking it up for a reason. Furthermore, it was deadly apparent that whether Kurt cared or not, he knew he was onto something with his look. We knew in our hearts that, while Kurt honestly didn’t care how he looked, the people directing the music videos were able to convince him with conscientious pleas to at least let them reposition his hair. It’s like, when we were in high school, and we listened to Nirvana and wore flannel, and people like our moms saw us watching MTV and groaned about how ugly Kurt Cobain was, we were able to forgive her for being out of touch. The Wacom-tablet-wielding manchildren responsible for this chaos are, no doubt, the actual “out of touch” “adults” - not us. The phantom of genuinely purposeful spite lurks behind every artistic choice visible in Facebreaker‘s facade. We are not just saying this because we are “grown up” and we are “out of touch” with “the times”: these characters can not possibly be anyone‘s idea of attractive. We cannot stress this enough: the characters in Facebreaker are criminally ugly. Another problem would be that the characters look mathematically better at the end of a fight, when they’ve had their faces pounded in. The problem with Facebreaker is that not a single one of the characters looks better than I look at five in the morning. Yes, after six hours of exfoliating and hair-ironing, I will emerge from my coccoon with a perfect outer coating that will last approximately thirteen seconds. For a moment, before my slow transformation, I like to savor my supreme, transient ugliness - it puts the coming gorgeousness in context. In a few moments, I will take a shower, wash my hair, and scrape the mud off my face with the help of a badger-fur brush and a German-engineered vintage-style safety razor. My expensive ornamental eyeglasses throw this portrait of me at sunrise way out of focus: I am a bad Halloween costume, suspended by some sick telekinesis. From the neck up, I am a disaster area: my stubble is like hobo vomit on a funny paper plastered to a sidewalk my hair resembles a hat that a lesbian would wear. There I am, stark naked, ripped, cut, toned, buff, well-endowed. We’ll begin with a paragraph in the first person:Įvery day, when I wake up, I usually end up accidentally looking in the mirror. Just to make sure we’re all on the same page, yes, Tekken is “ Virtua Fighter for people who never took art class”, and Dead or Alive is “ Street Fighter for people who failed study hall”. There’s a chance it could be that they failed art class on purpose, though we can get to that later, or not at all. Bottom line: Facebreaker is “ Tekken for people who failed art class.”
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